for the changed..

Hmm.. lots to catch up on, so little time. Well, i'm not going to post all the specifics, just the big picture because theres so much going on right now.. I feel so- changed. If thats the right word.. A few weeks ago I went through something so emotionally painful and I'm still trying to recover from the trauma. I don't know exactly what happened to me and I don't know what i'm supposed to do. Its like God is trying to tell me something but I can't figure out what it is He wants me to do. I am being called- called to do something important in the world.. called to do something.. what is it though?? I can't decipher His signs. But i know that He will help me figure it out when the time comes. I feel very stuck. emotionless. like i've seen a ghost or something. its so weird. But i'm not depressed. I don't know, but I think "stuck" is the perfect word. And I want to do go DO. But i don't know what i'm supposed to do. ugh. I want to get out there and scream to the world my message tell everyone what i'm thinking. I know i can't do that. And while i'm trying to figure all this out i'm also trying to figure out what hate is. Yeah, i know that sounds like a weird question but I honestly don't understand it. Why do people get that emotion?? I don't understand how someone could intentionally put blame and hate onto others. I don't understand why people hurt other people. life is so important. why would you waste it living in hatred? I'm trying to understand- because maybe if i understand it then i can help change it.. Anyways, so i'm like having a total psychological meltdown. Everything is so different. even though i'm still the same me. I just want everyone to be happy. Thats all. So there's a little tiny piece of what is on my mind :) sorry if i bored you to tears.