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I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful-
The eye of the little god, four cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.


-sylvia plath

i found a reason

i feel like crying.
not from sadness, but from joy. my soul mourns as his existence no longer controls my own. i cry because until this very point i have been torturing myself. torturing myself with the unfathomable idea of letting go. but now i have a reason. i know i cannot be happy waiting for the day he wants me again.
i'm done waiting.
and i'm done being broken.

i cry because i never thought i would let myself be happy again. i cry because i finally found a reason to smile.
and i cry because you're that reason.
i know i'm not perfect. and i know you're not either. but that's exactly what's so perfect about it.
you're the part of me that i've been missing.
and i found you.

1/1/12

this is today

The world is grey. you walk the streets wearing the same shoes, the same pants, the same shirt. Your face is stone. No smiling allowed. You work, just like everybody else. You are a machine. Cold and numb. Your existence serves no purpose other than the one given to you. It is a faceless reality. Nameless.
You are a number on a screen.

For today, you wake up. There is no rush, no flustered hurry to the door. No panic allowed. Order, Order. 
You shower, brush your teeth and use the latrine. But your body doesn't belong to you. You catch a glance of your deteriorating reflection. Hair perfectly trimmed. Eyes straight forward. No staring. No standing. Keep moving. You might pass a glance at the numbers. The penetrated skin. Your identity. Next in line, keep moving. Next.  No time to think. No time for questions. It's time to go.
You make your way outside. There are no clouds. The sky is indifferent, unchanging. The floor is concrete and immovable below your feet. There's no gust of air in your face. No birds. No trees. No life. The humans did it.
Don't ask where. Don't ask why. It's time for work. Work makes one free. Step here. Take this. Four by four. Six by six. Nothing can be broken. Only formed. Formed, not created. There are no creations. Never was. Everything is. One more. One less. First, Then. Next, Last.
We are Happy. This is the way. Children do not know pain.

This is today.

carry you

a burning rage. a fire.
consuming.
destroying.
i woke up happy
but now i'm burning.
my hands are sweating
my blood is boiling.
hot beneath my skin.
i made the mistake
of carrying you're scent on my clothes
and now you're following me
all the way back home.

and so it goes

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows


by billy joel

do you remember

do you ever think of me? do you look at my picture and remember when i was yours? are you still fascinated by the smallest details of my face. do you remember the texture of my goose-bumped skin as you moved your hand across my shoulders. do you remember the feeling of your fingers combing through my hair. do you ever look back and remember? do you see my name and wish something. wish and want and crave. the way i do. do you wonder if it was love? or something else. do you wake up in the morning and feel me next to you? or smell the faintest whiff  of my hair? do you crave having me beside you again? to hold and be held. do you remember? or have you forgotten. have you forgotten me? do you ever wonder where i am? or if i'm okay? have you forgotten me? because that's the way i feel. forgotten. and invisible. as if you have forever deleted me from you heart and being. as if i was never there..
do you remember me?
or have you forgotten.

what is happiness?

its the tingling sensation i get through my spine when im laying naked on my bed with my hair, long and wet stinging cold on my back. it's waking up to the soft light of a winter morning pouring in through my window and covering my entire body like a blanket- warm and safe. it's feeling the familiar hands of another touch your face with an overwhelming tenderness, as if you hold all the beauty in the world's existence. its being completely comfortable in your own skin. it's holding a new born baby in your arms and knowing that you will love it forever. it's laying in a field on a cool summer night and feeling the blades of grass caress your arms and legs. it's doing something exciting, something extraordinary, it's taking risks. it's forgetting about who your supposed to be and how your supposed to feel and just being. it's being content in knowing that your human. it's making mistakes and finding 1000 ways not to make a light bulb. it's remembering what it is you live for and enjoy doing it every day for the rest of your life. it's holding on to the things you care about most in the world and never letting go.
 it's being truly free,
 free to live happily.

we're all liars.

we're all liars. because none of us know the truth.